Life · Uncategorized

A stepping stone…

This week was not ideal.

Long story short, the company I love and work for lost the pitch to keep the business in my area.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt; that I didn’t take it really personally; that my eyes don’t hurt from crying/trying not to cry; that I don’t feel a little betrayed; that I’m not angry, disappointed, and a little scared.

Leading up to this pitch and Co-op vote, I found and lived my every day repeating this prayer:

God, I know I am impatient, so prone to worrying, to giving up, to losing hope. Help me to rest in Your promises today. In this season of waiting, renew my joy in this moment so that I do not miss Your presence in this place. Thank You for being with me and for never giving up on me. Thank You for always working for my good and for Your glory even when I can’t see. In Jesus’ name, Amen

It’s a good one. A really good one for me, as I have a bad habit of throwing myself into a worry or stress and neglecting to recognize the light and blessings all around it.

“In this season, renew my joy in this moment that I do not miss Your presence in this place”

My joy. His Presence. In this moment.

Here in this place. Here in this situation.

For my good. For His glory.

From here, I vow to focus on three things:

  1. God has a perfect plan for me; a beautiful plan far beyond my comprehension and likely so much bigger than anything I could ever dream up. I’ve been reminded of this on repeat over my last 28 years. I’ve cried over an embarrassing number of things that, looking back, were stepping stones on the way to something much more amazing. God has a plan. And I will trust Him to see it through in me. I will be open to His guidance and I will not doubt His direction for me.
  2. My people … (pause: thankful-crying) … my people are amazing. In response to my bad news yesterday (and really in response to my stress levels leading up to it), my people overwhelmed me with love, encouragement, support, “we‘ll figure it out”s, leads, comfort, prayers, and in one case, tulips and icecream.  I’ve said it a lot that I have terrible luck – and it’s true that wild and sometimes unfortunately things are often happening to me – but having the people I do in my life; people I love and who love me (and so well), easily makes me a very very… very lucky girl. Luckiest in the world, really.
  3. Perspective. Hurricanes are crashing into islands; crushing homes and changing lives. People are being diagnosed with Cancers. Others are starving. Families are watching loved ones suffer. Women are losing children. Children are losing parents.  …I lost a job/business account… How so very lucky and blessed I am that this is my “suffering.”

Thank You for always working for my good

and for Your glory even when I can’t see.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

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Stories

Faith at 40,000 ft.

Truth: I’ve been gone so long that I couldn’t remember what I had named this blog – couldn’t remember what email address I used, what password I chose… none of the usuals worked …I started worrying I was turning into my grandmother, who couldn’t remember her password even if her password was “password” and was written on a sticky note on her desk. (I love you Granne… I don’t think you read this but if you do… well, you’ll forget.)

So, I jumped through the “Contact us” hoops and here I am! I fought my way back in.

Life is going so disgustingly amazingly well for me lately, there’s not enough wood in the world to knock on to talk about it so I won’t. I will say, mom is always right.

A good quick story instead?

My new (too good to be true) job includes some traveling (which I looooove) and a few weeks ago, I flew to Lexington, Kentucky.

On the way back home to Richmond, I sat next to a 40ish year old man on his very first airplane. Originally, I was annoyed. He was slightly larger, I had been delayed all day, had been sitting in airport floors, and I just wanted to shut my window and read my book.

And honestly, that’s what I did for the first 30 minutes. I’m ashamed now, knowing that this man had never seen the Earth from 40,000 feet and my being a brat deprived him of that as we ascended.

As soon as this man turned to me though, I could feel his positive spirit. He told me about his family; how jealous his kids were that he was flying as no one in his family ever had; about his job and his church and how he was flying to Chicago to pick up a truck to drive back down to Mississippi. I threw my window up (a lesson in how spoiled I am and how thankful I should be) and invited him to lean over to take pictures… which he very quickly did, with more excitement than a kid on Christmas.

We hit a little air pocket and he looked over at me with a little panic on his sweet face and so I said, “No worries! Happens all the time! Haha, I think we both know we’d get to go somewhere better anyway though” (y’all know my heaven-obsession). He agreed, repeating that he was God’s man; he always knows who he belongs too, who he’s with, and where he’s going. We talked about that for just a few minutes before I went back to my book and he back to admiring the plane and the window view.

About twenty minutes later, the young man in front of us turned around and said, “excuse me, do y’all really believe all that stuff?” And before I could say a word, this sweet man beside me, on his very first flight, leaned forward and said, “Brother… let me tell you…”, locked in and didn’t so much as glance out the window again as he beautifully shared the reassurance and love found in his (our) Faith to this young man.

ALL the tears.

God is SO good, am I right?

 

Life

Unhinged.

This one’s a little personal, which I’ve avoided doing because I don’t know who in my life is reading this badboy but… carrying on…

Part of who I am is this cheesy person who has written down random things about my life; prayers, thoughts, stories, etc. since I was in the 4th grade. Haha, at that time it was in a Winnie-the-Pooh diary and the majority of my entries were about a little-player-boy named Peyton. Somewhere between middle and high school, I started a private LiveJournal. My first entry there (as I have it opened in a tab right now) was on January 18th, 2004 and it looks like I was really really pissed at a boy. Haha, I was 15 years old.

I kind of retired writing anything personal in that format only about 5 or 6 years ago (that’s a lot of writings) but it was then that I picked up writing down my prayers. I find that my mind wanders when I pray – I’m working on it, my God deserves better – but writing them down has always kept me focused. It’s also been kind of life-changing to be able to go back and read the things I was talking to God about; asking Him for, thanking Him for, begging Him for, whining to Him about, praising Him about, crying to Him about… I’d suggest it really; writing them down.

A lot of these past prayers make me laugh, some of them make me a little embarrassed, some make me thankful that I didn’t get what I wanted, a number of them are a comfort in reminding me that life goes on, and a few of them I can still feel strongly enough to make me cry. The number of times I’ve been lost and then found, lost and then found… lost and then found… is dizzying. I guess that’s the story of our lives… it’s certainly the story of mine, at least.

I’ve been unhinged lately. That’s the best word for it, “unhinged.” I’ve a little forgotten who I am; forgotten all the things that make me up and the amazing number of people who pour into me. I’ve not been the person other people need me to be. I’ve not been the person I need me to be; or the person I am. I’ve let undeserving things and unnecessary worries shake my world up and I’ve repeatedly given things up to God only to snatch them right back. What’s that quote? …forgive me

I turned to previous written prayers to find a little balance. These are all kind of old. Haha, which makes me laugh a little, because it’s such proof of life’s way. To be clear, these are the “selfish” portions of my prayers but this is what I need now…

God, please help me to remember my life; the life You’ve given me. To remember every part and role. Help me to not get wrapped up in small portions and to trust that everything is a part of Your plan for me. Please help me to leave things in Your hands and to enjoy the little things in life. God please help me to show appreciation, to shine Your light, and to be the person other people need. Thank You for planning my life and walking me through it. Thank You for Your unconditional love, when I very rarely deserve it. Thank You for the people in my life- an abundance of people who I can turn to and rely on. 

God, help me to be better. Help me to be more faithful, more confident, more relaxed, more trusting, more “cool and calm.” Help me to be myself; my very truest self. Help me to enjoy each moment of the day, each person in my presence. 

God, please calm my crazy heart and anxieties. 
I KNOW that You have a plan for me. We go over this all the time. I know that everything that happens in my life is leading me toward something You have laid out for me. I know that You will not leave me or let me down. I know that I am on Your path. I’m confident that Your plan is better than anything I could imagine.