Thoughts

The season that required it…

Yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen at work, heating up a Lean Cuisine at 11am, feeling the pants that two months ago I regretted not getting in a smaller size, stretch against my thighs, trying not to cry. Haha.

I’ve gained a solid 10 lbs over the last 2-3 months. Which doesn’t sound like much, I guess, but when it took you an intense 8 months to get rid of 30 lbs (which was still 10 lbs away from goal)… ugh. Cue regret and tears.

I beat myself up about it all day yesterday. I even heard myself say out loud getting out a friend’s car, “I guess I’ll wobble my fat ass inside with you” …not nice Leanne, not nice. I knew I had been gaining weight (despite still exercising regularly… my endurance is badass right now… ) but I just let myself continue on the same track and now, here I am 10 lbs heavier and in tight pants.

Last night I was laying in bed reading a new book, What Women Don’t Know and Men Won’t Tell You– I don’t know that I’d recommend it quite yet. It has me rolling my eyes a lot, I’m not really the type of woman they’re writing to. But anyway, it was talking about knowing your worth – about not waiting to get to a certain place, job, relationship, weight, etc. in order to be happy. And I started thinking…

This weight is because I’ve been busy. I’ve been busy being happy; busy being sad; being a good friend; a good listener; a good cheerleader. It’s from sitting across from friends while they cried over dinner; it’s from friends sitting across from me while I cried over dinner; it’s from drinks with a newly single friend making her way in the world; it’s from the Starbucks I grabbed running late to work after a night of worrying; it’s from the late night snacking I did recovering from a heartbreak; it’s from bad dates and good dates; from catching up with old friends and attempts at making new friends… it’s from life happening. And while I wish I had made a few healthier choices, I won’t regret all that life; all that in-between. I’ll (temporarily) wear this weight knowing that it was a season of my life that required it.

That being said, I feel icky and tired. I don’t have the right energy or the right confidence to carry on doing this “life” work well.

So, it’s back on the grind we go. But this time, not because I need to look a certain way or impress certain people (though naturally, part of the drive), but because it makes me feel a certain way. Because it gives me energy and strength. Because if someone needs me to be a good friend, a good listener, a good cheerleader, I need to be my best me; mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I need to stop obsessing so much about how it looks and realizing more about how good it feels. I need to stop guilting myself for living and instead reward myself for living well with the opportunity to live longer and healthier; surrounded by more people and in a body that I’m confident carrying around in my life work.

That’s the goal at least.

On another note: Did y’all see this gorgeous new Sports Illustrated model, Ashley Graham? Give ’em hell girl, you look hot.

ashley graham

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Quick thoughts · Uncategorized

We’ve been best friends forever darling… that’s what’s up

I don’t have much to say today… I have a crazy (hilarious in retrospect) story to report next week but it’s Friday and I just can’t today.

So…

I know I’m super behind the hype, but I only recently jumped on Lennon and Maisy’s YouTube Page, and let me tell you – I am now obsessively hooked. Holy smokes! They’re so talented and adorable (Lennon’s only a few years younger than me so I don’t know that it’s really appropriate for me to refer to her as “adorable” but nevertheless…). I love the way they look at each other, such sweet sibling love.

This has become my new favorite, as I’ve watched it like 10 times this week. Check it out and have an awesome Valentine’s Weekend.

Quick thoughts

A naked goodbye…

Shh. Don’t get weird.

I don’t know where this is coming from right now in terms of why I decided to write about it but… here it goes…

Death does not scare me. In fact, it kind of thrills me. Not in a morbid, suicidal, depressing, freaky kind of way but in like a… “I bet heaven is bad-A” kind of way.

I’ve been kind of interested in it all for as long as I can remember. When my great-grandfather passed away (I was 6), I was fascinated by the idea of him with the angels, or rather becoming an angel, which I’ve since learned isn’t really what happens but that’s okay because I’m sure it’s all still awesome – better even!

And for as long as I can remember, I’ve loved the story of Elijah. How cool would it be to be scooped up by a chariot of fire sent from heaven and to go up in what is repeatedly described as a “whirlwind”? …um, yes please! Even if I do have to go naked like Elijah. Sure, I have some insecurities, but if being naked is what it takes, I’ll strip down, jump on that fire-chariot and let it all hang out.

Haha, my slight obsession with all of this (obviously) freaks other people out. It’s become my replacement “well, that’s a bummer” response to say, “Gr. I can’t wait for my chariot” and my friends will all glare at me and say, “I swear, if you do not shut up about the chariot…” and if somehow the conversation comes up with strangers / acquaintances, they kind of look at me speechless like,

“Uhhh, is this chick serious?”

It all makes me laugh!

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that if anything were to ever happen to me… it’s okay. Don’t let anyone be sad. I’ll be so so SO pumped.

I’m also pretty pumped to be a drunk ol’ crazy granny with my girlfriends so… you know, there’s no reason to panic either. Haha…

 

 

 

Quick thoughts

Adult compromises…

I am exhausted lately. I don’t know why – it’s not that I’m “going hard” or anything. Just tired. So. So. Tired.

I had two meetings last night one with the Massey Alliance (if you’re in Richmond, we’re planning a Giant Richmond Brunch to benefit the Massey Cancer Center, and it’s going to be awesome so mark your calendars!) and the other with a small group at my church– which I actually didn’t make it to (it was raining and I was going to be so late!).

I moseyed back into my apartment thinking I could go for a little relax and my brain flip-flopped between turning on a yoga video and walking around the corner to grab a drink. I was slumped in my grandpa’s old recliner going back and forth, back and forth when I decided on a compromise:

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and sat cross-legged on my yoga mat drinking wine.

It was a glorious evening and I was in bed by 9.

I’ve got to find some energy and motivation soon or it’s going to be another one of those summers.


Haha… but seriously.

Life · Stories

Those firemen though…

It’s been two full years since I totaled Sally-Civic (Phew! Statute of limitations is up!). Two full years since a very sweet lady pulled over on the side of 95 and helped me out of my car. Two full years since the nicest state trooper I’ve ever met sat me in his squad car and talked me down from passing out while we waited for the ambulance. Two full years since five firemen sweetly knelt down around me and bandaged up my (later stitched-up) knee while very likely (but surely accidentally) looking up my dress. Two full years since I limped around on a date with one of those firemen who seemed dreamy and charming. And a little less than two full years since I went on a second date with said-fireman and learned that he was (definitely) not (though, I guess he had already looked up my dress and I should have known better).

Sally

At the risk of being dramatic, I might should have died that day – at least gotten a lot more hurt. I wrecked during a rush hour on interstate 95 in the far left lane and somehow drifted, briefly unconscious and surrounded by airbags and that awful airbag-smoke-smell, across three lanes where my car stopped on it’s own 50 yards down the road on the far right shoulder.  How I wasn’t hit as my car made it’s way across those lanes and so far down the highway can really only be attributed to God looking out for me.

The stories that followed that accident are mostly funny – knowing those firemen really did probably see up my dress as a sat on the guardrail hyperventilating (I actually told them I was going to faint – as you know, I don’t do well with blood. They all jumped up and freaked out thinking I meant I had hit my head or something. I had to calm them down and say it was just the blood issue… and they laughed at me) and going on those two dates with the one (who I’ve bumped into around town a few times since – once sleepily, makeup-less, in my pajamas, with my hair on top of my head as I evacuated my apartment building for a fire alarm at 3 o’clock in the morning).

But really, it reminded me, and continues to remind me, of our power to encourage, comfort, support, and affect one another. In the days following that accident, I was overwhelmed by love; all of the strangers who had been so sweet to me, one of my best friends – Alex (previously mentioned) leaving work and getting stuck in the traffic that I had caused to pick me up because I desperately did not want to ride in the ambulance, and everyone who checked on me and sent their love. I still think about all of that kindness regularly.

I’m obsessed with the power we have to impact each other’s lives, and incredibly blessed and thankful that people repeatedly use that power to positively affect me.

That’s all. 🙂