Quick thoughts · Uncategorized

Returning love…

I have about 8 posts sitting in my drafts box. Blogging is harder than I expected – there are some topics that seem to just pour out and others that I can’t seem to even remember words exist for.

Not too long ago, I wrote about how people had been unknowingly filling me up when I was feeling kind of low on fuel.

Well, as I’m sure you could guess after this post, and this post… I let myself get all empty and pathetic again. But again, my friends and family – some knowingly, some unknowingly – filled me right back up. I don’t deserve them; their dedication to me and my happiness, their patience with me when I’m being unreasonable, or their willingness to invest time and effort into putting me back together. But I love them more than words even exist for and I hope they know it through both my words and my actions.

Last time this happened, I posted some quotes from other people. I’ve always loved quotes; people’s different perspectives, feelings, and thoughts. I love it when they hit me like they’re my own.

So, in the name of returning love into the world, here are some of my recent favs (thank you Pinterest)…

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Quick thoughts · Uncategorized

A Christmas Drinking Game

Friends! Merry Christmas! Is the wine flowing at your house yet?

Let me preface this post by saying that I love my extended family. I crazy-head-over-heels-love my beautiful wonderful sweet extended family.

However, here’s a fun (slightly painful) game I’ve come up with to survive holiday gatherings with 10+ aunts and uncles, 20+ cousins and spouses, 7 second cousins, and all the inlaws and family-friends in between…

Ready?

Every time someone says something that makes you wanna roll your eyes, drink… twice if it makes you wanna cry…

“So, you’re still single then?”

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“When are you going to wise up and stop paying rent in the city?”

“Have you ever thought about ChristianMingle?”

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“That’s an interesting nail color.”

“Sure seems like you go to a lot of happy hours.”

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“What happened to that nice guy we met last time?”

“You’re not getting any younger, you know.” 

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“Are you sure you want to eat that?”

“I heard so-and-so met someone on Match.com.”

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“It must be nice to not have any real responsibilities.”

“You know, when I was your age, I had already had three kids.”

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“It’s just because people are intimidated by you.”

“How much have you drank tonight!?”

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…you made me do it. Don’t judge me. You don’t know my life.

Happy drinking!

Life · Uncategorized

Another cheesy “Dear Future Husband” post…

Dear Future Husband,

Here’s a few things that you should know… if you’re going to be my one and only all my liiiife(just kidding).

Really though… I miss you. Is that strange? To miss someone you haven’t met yet? It probably is but I do. I wish I could explain it.

I don’t really know where to start in writing this to you – only because there are so many things I want to say, so many things that have happened, so many things that make me who I am, so many things I want to share with you. Really I want to be with you now. I want to hear your laugh (warning, I’m pretty hilarious). I want to feel at home simply because you’re around.

Right now, specifically, I want to be comforted by you.

What about that, is that strange? Haha, wanting to be comforted by your future person?

You should know that I write this to you a little heartbroken again -okay, like pathetic can’t eat, can’t sleep, sick-feeling as soon as I open my eyes,  “little” heartbroken. I’ll bounce back, of course, but dating is so hard, isn’t it? Do you hate it as much as I do? I hate it, hate it. I’ll never understand why it can’t be easier… more honest, more reliable, more genuine, more intentional, more selfless. I’d love that; I like you – you like me, let’s watch TV and bake cookies or something equally lame and sweet and be in complete fearless bliss.

I’ve “wasted” time (the future me who knows you will say, “it wasn’t a waste, I understand now!”) dating guys who haven’t been nice to me, who have led me on and let me down. I’ve dated guys who have made me question if I’ll ever find you, if you’ll ever find me, if you even exist at all.

I’ve done a pathetic and embarrassing amount of crying through it all (you’ll learn I’m a crier)… and agonizing and worrying and stressing and doubting… I’ve been impatient and I haven’t trusted God the way that I should. Honestly, I guess I haven’t trusted you the way that I should and for that, I’m sorry.

At the end of every “relationship”/dating disaster, I’ve begged God for you. “Where is he? Why do I have to wait so long? Why does my wait hurt so bad? Send him to me! Make this stop!”

At which point, I’m sure God laughs at me; knowing exactly who you are, and where you are, and what you’re doing, and at what point our life paths meet, and why they haven’t yet.

I know He’s working on you like He’s working on me. And if you’re anything like me… well, I just know He’s had His work cut out for Him with me…

I’ve given Him hell, kicking and screaming, to learn important lessons. Slowly but surely though, with a lot of backup from a lot of amazing people, I’m learning them. I imagine that by the time we meet, they’ll be a solid part of who I am and I guess they’ll be a part of the reason we work. And I get that.

I’m learning how to be more resilient. I’ve been kind of a wimp leading up to this point.

I’m learning not to take anything for granted.

I’m learning how to really appreciate other people; their time, love,  dedication, needs, and spirit.

I’m learning how fast time goes by, and to embrace the people and things in it before it’s too late.

I’m learning that family is what really lasts.

I’m learning that there are some things that you just have to let go of. And that that’s okay.

I’m learning how to put my self-worth in real things instead of tangible ones.

I’m learning not to put my happiness at a finish line.

I’m learning that I like a little space – but I like to have a little reassurance in it.

I’m learning that I’m a hand-holder. Sorry.

I’m learning how to be patient. Okay, honestly I don’t know if I’m actively learning this one or being forced to learn it but I’m learning it. Very reluctantly.

I know that there is value in my wait, in your wait.  I know that God has planned you for me and me for you and that He has us on specific, intentional paths that will one day join. I like to think that you wonder about me and that day like I do sometimes.

In these tough parts, when I’m craving your presence, I remember that you’re out there… doing your thing, becoming who you’re supposed to be, working your way towards me. I’m comforted by the idea that when I meet you, all the feelings I thought I had for others won’t even compare and that I’ll appreciate you even more for it… and that that whole, “everything happens for a reason” thing will prove itself true.

I hope that during your tough days, it crosses your mind that I pray for you. I pray that you’re happy. I pray that you’re healthy. I pray that you’re surrounded by good people. I pray that you’re enjoying your life. I pray that you’re proud of who you are. I pray that you’re strong and resilient. I pray that you pray. I pray that you know you’re not alone. I pray that you have faith and confidence in who I’ll be to you one day. And I pray that you can fix things… because I can’t fix anything and I’m always breaking stuff!

I don’t write any of this to nag you or rush you or worry you. I guess all I’m trying to say is that I’m excited to meet you. I can’t wait to tell you how amazing you are. I can’t wait to make dinner with you (because you know, I only learned how to cook in my last couple of years) and buy you Christmas gifts (I love Christmas) and fight with you (sorry, I’ve never really fought with anyone so it might as well be someone I know is going to stick around) and meet your family (oh my gosh, you’ll love my family, they’re the best)… I can’t wait to laugh with you, and cry with you, and learn with you, and grow with you… I can’t wait to finally know you and to turn to God and say, “Okay, okay, I get it! This is why I had to wait a while, I’m sorry I gave You such a terrible hard time. It was so worth it.” And I know it will be.

Yours,

L

(ps. I think it’s adorable when grooms cry. Just sayin.)

Quick thoughts · Uncategorized

Adult temper tantrums.

Adults don’t throw temper tantrums.

At least not real ones. Not over simple things. It’s kind of the difference between being an adult and a child; that unconscious self-control that keeps you from freaking the “truck” out.

Apparently, according to my own standard, I’m not a real grown up. Lately, I’ve caught myself on the verge of very literal, very pathetic temper tantrums and I’ve had to very consciously reel myself myself back in – and a few times it hasn’t worked. Call it holiday stress?

…yesterday morning, it all happened too fast to reel in… I walked outside my apartment at 6:45am and noticed that the beer can that had been sitting upright in the parking space next to mine for the last 5 days was still upright. So I kicked it. I kicked it hard. Things in my life have changed in the last 5 days! It just wasn’t fair that it could sit there unchanged, mocking me.can2bcrush


…this morning, I couldn’t get the stupid sensor to work on the bathroom sink in my office. I stood there for a good 30 seconds flailing my arms around trying to catch the damn thing’s attention. I think I would have actually started screaming and pulled it out of the wall around the 31 second mark had it not happened.phoebe-yelling-judy-o


…sometimes, when I’m having a rough day, there’s a little corner underneath my desk that calls to me. I have to put my hands flat on the desk, take a few deep breaths, and say “You can’t lay down under there. You’re a grown-up now.” (…I started working on this post before writing yesterday’s post… another “unable to reel it in” moment… I did climb under my desk.)robin-crying-drunk-under-desk


…every now and then, when I think I’m extra on a roll in some way and no one’s seeming to notice, I really want to scream, “Pay attention to me damnit! Right here!”giphy1


…occasionally, when one of my friends is venting about something they’ve vented about 20 times before without taking my advice, I have to bite my tongue to keep from yelling, “Shut up! You’re stupid!” (Even though I’ll cry about something 50 times before I do anything about it. Thankfully, I have very patient friends.)tumblr_lny95pytai1qmt25uo1_400


…once in a blue moon, if I’ve spent a lot of time on a project at work that I’ve been excited about… and then the plan changes… it takes everything in me not to throw / slam / break things.tumblr_ml6ef4hvip1rs9keio1_400


…I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t aggressively thrown Pinterest-failed recipes into my kitchen sink before throwing myself to the ground to cry about it.
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…omg, and don’t even get me started on bra shopping. Like seriously. Don’t. even. get me started.friends-rachel-taking-off-bra


That’s it. I don’t really have a point here. Haha, just to praise those of you who are real grown-ups. I aspire to be like you one day.

Happy Friday.

Quick thoughts

It’s dark under there.

Today I climbed under my desk. It’s always tempted me. The little corner back there. After my Unhinged post yesterday, I drafted a post about adult temper tantrums. And about how sometimes when I’m having a tough day, I have to put my hands flat on my desk and remind myself that I’m a grown up and that I can’t crawl under it to escape. It’s been beckoning me ever since because I’m on day 3 or 4 (or 8 or 9) of “tough day.”

So I did it. I just decided I had to know if it’d be as comforting as it looked.

And you know what, it kind of was. But then I realized that I’m almost 27 years old, that I have a career in my studied field, that I’m healthy, that I have a lot to offer, that I have an overwhelmingly amazing family, that I have more genuine/loyal/loving friends than I can even count, that I have the unconditional love of the Creator of Life who has personally planned a life for me and who walks me through it every second of every day… and that I’m having a relatively good hair-day.

So, I reached back up on my desk, under deskgrabbed my phone, and took this awkward little selfie to look back on as one of my low-points; sitting under my desk selfishly acting like I have more things to escape from than things to be living passionately, devotedly, aggressively, faithfully, and excitedly for. Silly me.

I’d love to effortlessly live each second of the day remembering all of this. I don’t (yet). I can go from 100% confident and trusting of my life path, to nearly-hyperventilating over things that may not even happen; paying for hurricane insurance in the desert “just in case”.

I’m working on it. Slowly but surely and with the help of lots of patient and forgiving people (who probably secretly want to strangle me) and a God who listens to me repeat myself over and over again. But “we’re” working on it.

I’m not going to let myself crawl under my desk again. Unless I need a nap. It is pretty dark under there.

Life

Unhinged.

This one’s a little personal, which I’ve avoided doing because I don’t know who in my life is reading this badboy but… carrying on…

Part of who I am is this cheesy person who has written down random things about my life; prayers, thoughts, stories, etc. since I was in the 4th grade. Haha, at that time it was in a Winnie-the-Pooh diary and the majority of my entries were about a little-player-boy named Peyton. Somewhere between middle and high school, I started a private LiveJournal. My first entry there (as I have it opened in a tab right now) was on January 18th, 2004 and it looks like I was really really pissed at a boy. Haha, I was 15 years old.

I kind of retired writing anything personal in that format only about 5 or 6 years ago (that’s a lot of writings) but it was then that I picked up writing down my prayers. I find that my mind wanders when I pray – I’m working on it, my God deserves better – but writing them down has always kept me focused. It’s also been kind of life-changing to be able to go back and read the things I was talking to God about; asking Him for, thanking Him for, begging Him for, whining to Him about, praising Him about, crying to Him about… I’d suggest it really; writing them down.

A lot of these past prayers make me laugh, some of them make me a little embarrassed, some make me thankful that I didn’t get what I wanted, a number of them are a comfort in reminding me that life goes on, and a few of them I can still feel strongly enough to make me cry. The number of times I’ve been lost and then found, lost and then found… lost and then found… is dizzying. I guess that’s the story of our lives… it’s certainly the story of mine, at least.

I’ve been unhinged lately. That’s the best word for it, “unhinged.” I’ve a little forgotten who I am; forgotten all the things that make me up and the amazing number of people who pour into me. I’ve not been the person other people need me to be. I’ve not been the person I need me to be; or the person I am. I’ve let undeserving things and unnecessary worries shake my world up and I’ve repeatedly given things up to God only to snatch them right back. What’s that quote? …forgive me

I turned to previous written prayers to find a little balance. These are all kind of old. Haha, which makes me laugh a little, because it’s such proof of life’s way. To be clear, these are the “selfish” portions of my prayers but this is what I need now…

God, please help me to remember my life; the life You’ve given me. To remember every part and role. Help me to not get wrapped up in small portions and to trust that everything is a part of Your plan for me. Please help me to leave things in Your hands and to enjoy the little things in life. God please help me to show appreciation, to shine Your light, and to be the person other people need. Thank You for planning my life and walking me through it. Thank You for Your unconditional love, when I very rarely deserve it. Thank You for the people in my life- an abundance of people who I can turn to and rely on. 

God, help me to be better. Help me to be more faithful, more confident, more relaxed, more trusting, more “cool and calm.” Help me to be myself; my very truest self. Help me to enjoy each moment of the day, each person in my presence. 

God, please calm my crazy heart and anxieties. 
I KNOW that You have a plan for me. We go over this all the time. I know that everything that happens in my life is leading me toward something You have laid out for me. I know that You will not leave me or let me down. I know that I am on Your path. I’m confident that Your plan is better than anything I could imagine.
Quick thoughts · Uncategorized

Stolen.

I’m stealing a blog post again. Because this is too real. Because this is what I want to say. Because it’s what I needed to read. Because it’s what all women need to read. Because my sorority big sister sent it to me and knew it’d affect me. Because it affected her.

So, here ya go, from Brooke Putney (whom I don’t know but would love to!)…

Dear whom it may concern,

You deserve the best. I mean it with all my heart, with all my soul. A soul mate;  someone who we are beyond thrilled to meet. We are thrilled to know where we will meet them, how we will meet them and most importantly, what they are like. We wonder if we will meet them in college or in a place we aren’t even aware exists yet. In the absolutely cheesiest way possible, we are thrilled to know whose name will be beside ours on our wedding invitations, whose name will be beside ours on our child’s birth certificate, whose pillow will be beside ours come morning. We are thrilled to know our soul mate, but let’s start being thrilled without anxiety. Let’s start being thrilled while resting in who our God is. Let’s be thrilled knowing that if they are indeed our soul mate, our souls will indeed mate.

We love to fall in love. We love to be liked, to be noticed, to be desired. I am not talking about young girls in general. I am not even talking about women in general. I am talking about human beings in general. We love to love and even more, love to be loved. Our problem today is that we are settling. We are settling for men that hold doors behind them instead of in front of them. We are settling for surface level relationships when we should be seeking deeper conversations, deeper moments. We are settling for, “talking,” for “things” when we should have an, “if you know, you know, let’s do something about this or I’ll be on my way,” kind of mindset. We are texting. We are snapchatting. We are liking each others’ Instagram posts. Let’s not settle for social media flirtation. If they really like you, they will like the real you more than the social media you. We are settling for a twenty-first century relationship when we should be seeking an everlasting love.

There are two reasons relationships end in my opinion. One being one or two involved in the relationship were not putting in their best effort. The other reason being, it simply was not meant to be. Maybe your senses of humor do not line up. That’s no one’s fault. Maybe you’re too outgoing for him. That’s no one’s fault. On the other hand, there is the option of settling when you are putting in 100% while he is putting in 20% at most. There is the option of seeing what is in front of you, being too scared that no one else will love you like they do, and staying out of fear. When you settle, your sadness, your absence of fulfillment, your emptiness is no longer his problem, it is yours. Yes, blunt and rough; it is yours. We can blame others mistakes and lack of love on them, but when we stay in these places of comfort, we are hurting ourselves more.

You do not deserve a twenty-first century  relationship. You don’t deserve a relationship centered on read receipts or likes on social media. You deserve a relationship centered on Love, a relationship centered on something greater than the two of you combined. You do not deserve to be cheated on, under any circumstances, ever. You deserve someone who would never think of leaving you, seriously. You don’t deserve to be embarrassed by rude tipping habits. You deserve to be proud of all that your partner is. You do not deserve to feel like the only one in the relationship. You deserve to feel like there is another person, also putting 100% in on the other side. You don’t deserve a car honk or a text. You deserve a doorbell ring. You do not deserve to be treated less than. You deserve to be treated like the most important human in the world.

Do not sell yourself short. Do not be afraid. Because if it is not who you are with, he is even better. No matter how hard that is to believe, God’s greatest gifts are upgrades. Know that if he won’t, someone else will. If he won’t treat you like you believe you should be and desire to be treated, that does not mean that no one ever will. You should not feel like you are settling at any point. If you are settling, you are better off alone. If he is unfaithful, you are better off alone. If he is treating you in a way below your expectations and your standards, you are better off alone.

Know that if he isn’t kind to waiters, there is someone who is. If he doesn’t shake hands and make good eye contact, there is someone who does. If he doesn’t pull your chair out for you, someone else will. If he cancels on you often, there is someone who will be there ten minutes early. If he is constantly red faced and yelling, there is someone who finds no need to do so. If he doesn’t walk you to the door because it is too outdated, know there is someone who believes the exact opposite. If he doesn’t remember small details, know there is a relationship in which you will find yourself surprised as to how much they know about you. If he doesn’t go out of his way, know there is someone else who will.

If you wouldn’t marry them, don’t date them. That’s one of my biggest pieces of advice from my seventeen year old single self. If you wouldn’t want to wake up to  their personality, each day, seven days a week, for the rest of your life, don’t waste your time now. If you wouldn’t want your kids to be just like them, don’t waste your time now. Wait for someone you would never associate the word, “settle,” with. Wait instead of settling. Wait because there is someone who will look at you in a way you didn’t know was possible. Wait because there is something greater, a relationship between soul mates, and not just, “loved to be loved,” young people. Wait because there is someone who would never allow you to settle. Wait because if he won’t, someone else will.”

She also wrote an awesome letter to the men, that you should check out here!

Date someone who makes you feel comfortable about all that you are. Date someone who allows you to grow and gives you room to do so. Date someone who knows how to dance alone, but enjoys dancing with you more. Date someone who makes you laugh genuinely and loudly. Date someone who you could go on multiple cross-country road trips with. Date someone who runs towards people and not away from, when they are going through a tough time. Date someone who weighs your opinions just as much as they weigh their own. Date someone who does not make you feel guilty for being who you are, but celebrating it every chance they get. Date someone who treats the people behind the counter like real people and not servants. Date someone who gets it. Date someone who knows who they are. Date someone who would be able to take on their life without you.